There were a million things that lead to me finding the strength to leave my abusive situation, but it can all be boiled down to the power of words. It was the strength in his words that kept me there for so long; one can only hear that they would be unable to survive without their abuser so often before it starts to sink in as a possible truth. He would choose his words wisely, over time figuring out the perfect combination of words and tone needed to cause me pain, and he seemingly thrived off of my own anguish.
It was through reading the words of others who had gone through similar experiences that I was able to acknowledge that there might be something wrong; that the relationship I had wasn’t healthy for me. A Buzzfeed article alerted me to the concept of gaslighting – how an abuser will subtly and slowly try to alter the reality of his or her victim. Were it not for the brave souls who shared their stories in the body of that article I would never have been able to recognize that dangerous tactic in my own relationship.
As time went on, and the abuse continued, I found even more sources of information. I was able to read the stories of many other people who had been in the same situation I faced, who would sob on the kitchen floor worried about what their children would overhear. Victims who were too poor to leave but who were terrified of what would happen if they stayed. Victims with mental health challenges that were made worse by their abuser. I heard from friends and family members who had found themselves in similar situations; who were victims of the same kind of abuse that I had faced. These stories helped validate my concerns, and let me know that there was a real issue in my relationship. Unlike his assertions in the past, it wasn’t just all in my head. There was a deeper issue going on that needed to be resolved.
These brave survivors, who risked backlash, disbelief, and even further harassment from their abusers for telling their stories, became my heroes. I admired their strength and their courage, and I’ve tried to honour them in every piece of writing I’ve completed since I left my abuser. Were it not for their bravery, I would never have found the strength within that I needed to leave, nor would I have been able to face the challenges that were ahead.
I’m often asked why I choose to write about such a difficult topic, why I don’t want to let this chapter of my life simply live in the past. The answer is because I want to help others the way those that who have experienced this before helped me. There is a true power in storytelling; one that extends far beyond what anyone can immediately see. A well-written article on abuse can help a victim understand that she or he isn’t to blame, or help another find the strength they need to finally leave, or help another still to keep struggling on their own, even though the aftermath of leaving a partner can be difficult. Being a victim of abuse can feel incredibly isolating; after all, that’s one of your abuser’s goals. But finding a community of support made up of those who have lived through the same thing, and who can help you see the light at the end of the long, dark tunnel can be empowering. And that’s why I choose to write. Words have incredible power – power that can be cultivated to help others.