I am a very anxious person, so much so that I’m no longer sure if it’s part of my mental illness or a part of my personality. Anxiety can sometimes rule my life. Anxiety changes me from the person I enjoy being into one who forgot how to be healthy. Anxiety makes me afraid of every single thing. Imagine every horrible thought or fear that you have every had, no matter how unreasonable, implausible, or unrealistic they may be. Anxiety feels like they’re all happening to you at once, and there is simply no way to stop it. To be blunt, anxiety is terrible and can sometimes seem unbeatable. And, to give credit to my very strong inner cynic, anxiety has followed me for almost as long as I can remember.
I clearly recall being in grade school and being plagued by the very realistic fear that everybody was making fun of me, the less realistic fear that my mom and dad had somehow spontaneously combusted and I was going to be an orphan, and an unexplained but ever-present sense of worry and dread. High school, university, college and the workforce followed – and with each stage the anxiety got stronger and harder to manage.
But just as anxiety has always been there, so has an adoration for “the impossible” (as TV’s Barry Allen would say). Fantasy and science fiction and superheroes and the Doctor (yes, the Doctor gets his own category; my blog, my rules) have never failed me. They have been a safe space where I could both hide and find inspiration until I felt ready to face the real world again. Of course my struggles aren’t as difficult as most of the superhero origin stories in existence, but reading something like Dinah Lance kicking ass pages after sharing how the loss of her mom to cancer affected her is pretty inspirational.
When I was younger I turned to cartoons and fantasy for my inspirational escape into the impossible. Penny from Inspector Gadget was always a favourite. She was so smart; even though she was just a child she could always save the day – and what child wouldn’t cling to that? She-Ra fought to end injustice, and was also kind and caring. Even the Autobots wanted the universe to be a better place. Those were all stories I clung to, role-played, found solace in.
As I got a bit older, my Dad brilliantly introduced me to The Princess Bride, and my love for the impossible grew. Westley literally talked his way out of a death sentence! And who can honestly say that they don’t want to stare a physical representation of their anxiety in the face and say “my name is AJ. You killed my sense of self-worth. Prepare to die”?!
This is all to say nothing of the numerous times I’ve watched Star Wars, Firefly, Stargate, Buffy, Angel, Dead Like Me, and just about every comic book/superhero movie released. Just like I found solace in cartoons as a child, these shows and movies gave me a place to escape as an adult.
When things got very rough a number of years ago I found myself holding a copy of Batwoman: Elegy by Greg Rucka and J.H. Williams III in my hands. I knew I’d adore the story, and once I was able to see a physical copy in person, I fell in love with the art. It’s positively stunning. I bought it and read it several times over the course of the following few weeks, and several hundred since then. I’ve turned to Batwoman so many times I’ve lost count. Rucka, Williams, and Blackman should get some sort of medal for saving my sanity as many times as they have. With that kind of introduction, it was only a matter of time before I began devouring as many comic book stories as I could afford.
More recently I was introduced to the Doctor, and the 50 years of amazing sci-fi/fantasy back catalogue that goes along with him. It’s a very entertaining show that one can easily lose oneself in, and has also helped me through some pretty difficult moments. When a day is particularly trying, and the anxiety is bordering on more than I can take, I recall the “pile of good things” speech and sometimes it makes the day just a bit more bearable. Or when I’m alone and the anxiety turns to intense fear, I can think about the “fear is a superpower” speech and feel just a tad more brave than I did before.
So, why so nerdy? Why such a fascination with “the impossible”? Well, for me, it’s because it’s I need a place where I can go to find strength and solace; to escape from the anxieties that normally follow me around everywhere while at the same time finding the inner strength to handle those anxieties. Being a nerd isn’t just my life; it saved my life.